Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings. ~ Robert Benchley
the gallery is here
erica reynolds sings
van writes: I, II, & III
one of my favorite djs



Here is a cautionary tale - it's always a good idea to buy your own name, especially if you are googlicious...




In going over some old files i discovered a copy of this following document - I thought it might come in handy for some of you who own similar devices ;)

Operating Instructions for Child, model #: 73487689709743, serial #: 001

Order received: November 19, 1989, assembly begun November 20, 1989.
Date of delivery: July 18, 1990.

Operating temperature: 37 C +- 1.0
Ambient temperature range: 0-40 C Child may be operated outside of this range for brief periods but care should be taken to insure that internal temperature remains within specifications.

Power Requirements:
Idle: Oxygen 45g/hr, Water 60 ml/hr. Peak: A fully functioning child can consume large amounts of energy. Please make sure your electrical service, bank accounts, vehicles, and physical health are updated. Child has been started at the factory and is designed to run continuously- do not attempt to switch child off.

Audio level: 3-140db. Maximum harmonic distortion: 100%.

Shock Loading: Do not subject your child to acceleration over 4g. If you wish to do extreme maneuvers with your child, please purchase gymnastics software. This is available from third party suppliers, and is installed over a period of 200 weeks, at $50/wk.

All markings, color mismatch, and asymmetries in your child are guarantees that you have received an all-natural, handmade child. Your child is built to last for generations and has been provided with an entirely internal motivational system, which we really have no control over, so you are on your own on that one. In compliance with the latest i9000 standards, your child has been assembled from 100% recycled materials and is certified lead free. Although your child is edible, in most locales this is prohibited by law.

Many critical components are provided in duplicate and are enhanced with triple redundant repair systems. Some parts may seem useless at first, but rest assured that they will provide a wonderful source of entertainment in the future. Please take good care of your child. Very few replacement parts are available and they are extremely expensive. We are currently in the process of expanding our parts department, but it is not expected to be online until 2035. If you would like to assist this effort, please consider installing the bio-engineering phd software on your child. Meanwhile, we suggest you check ebay on a regular basis if parts are needed.

The first level of play consists of various simple challenges. Points will be gained for successfully feeding, clothing, cleaning, and teaching your child to talk. When you have navigated this level and retained sufficient sanity points and energy stars, your child will explain the second level to you. Various hint booklets purport to ensure your progress through this and future levels, but remember, creativity and uniqueness count – and the full potential of this device has yet to be tapped.

Do not attempt to prevent child from making mistakes. This is part of the basic programming paradigm and is an indicator of correct internal functioning. Please note that we are not responsible for damage to child, parents, vehicles, furniture, or world peace. Our legal staff assures us in no uncertain terms that you are responsible and liable for any and all financial damages for eighteen years from delivery. This may seem unfair in light of the aforementioned internal motivational system, which kicks in long before your responsibility expires. However, our customers report that normal children rarely incur liabilities exceeding your combined average yearly income.

There are NO USER SERVICABLE PARTS INSIDE OF YOUR CHILD. In case of accidental damage to any major components or visible leakage - please immediately call our worldwide service department at 911. Our highly trained service personnel will arrive at your door in less than ten minutes, wake up all your neighbors and for good measure, your neighbor’s dogs, rush in, and immediately begin repairs. Please stand back and relax. We take customer service seriously. You have no idea what it costs to have the worlds shortest phone number.

Note: Children delivered in the USA do not include any of the health care modules as standard equipment.